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[21 Jun 2007|08:21am] |
Second entries are never as good as first entries. If/when you read my first entry, you were probably like, oh, that Kelsey Etzel, she sounds like such a sexy bitch... I'd hit it. But by the time you thought that you'd already been distracted by a pretty butterfly out the window. Now you're reading my entry and saying, oh, yeah, I remember when I was gonna do you, but instead I went in my room and watched Backdoor Sluts 9 because those girls have bigger boobs. But like I said, no implants for me unless maybe one of them gets hacked off in a tragic industrial accident, but that's why I plan on working in an office and never leaving my chest unattended near a paper shredder, a paper cutter, or a 3-hole punch. My job now is to entertain you without having to put my chest on display and let's face it, I'm not as good at that, and everybody knows that in the end I'm just going to either end up telling you you have AIDS or quoting Clueless in your face until your mind ruptures in your skull.
Murphy does have AIDS, though. He got it from his real birth mother, who has a penis. Murphy is an uneducated douchefuck who's never heard of a "shemale." Tanner and I decided that ET and Chewbacca had a one night and Murphy was the result of that. Tanner's going to hate me for bringing up that he was involved in the creation of this genius cocnept, but he should be proud that I'm attributing half of such genius to him, and not worry about Murphy kicking his ass, because Murphy will only be kicking my ass. And if he does, I will take pictures of my cuts and bruises and put them on the Internet and say, MURPHY ETZEL BEATS WOMEN. He already does, actually, I just don't have proof. One time, he hit my mom, who's not even his mom, which makes it not okay at all because you're not allowed to hit other people's moms. If you're gonna hit anyone, Murphy, go hit your mother who has the penis. Or Chewbacca. ... Really, seriously, though, why does Murphy have cool friends? Who chooses to hang out with HIM voluntarily? Oh, world of Abbott and Westerlo, how you turn the world upside-down.
I will now proceed to speak about Dick Munsch, my new friend. However, he is an imaginary friend, because everyone knows no one actually lives in West Virginia except Jesus (and he doesn't really exist either). Dick Munsch likes munsching dick, and Dick Munsch does not understand the term "vagina." I would put the definition of vagina here, but I do not know the definition of vagina, because personally, I've always had one, and therefore, it is self-explanatory to me. The only people who need the definition of vagina are boy virgins and Murphy's mother. Dick Munsch likes to bring porn to my room and take off his pants and make things awkward, but if he didn't make things awkward, he wouldn't be the mayor of Awkward City, now, would he? He appreciates me because I explain to him difficult concepts, such as the concept of not being such a dirty pervert. But hey, he's gonna make me orgasm every day so I guess I'll do him a favor and call him Kevin. Kevin's a weird kid. Not that I don't love the freaks and weirdos, but I still haven't figured out why I find him somewhat cute even when he's telling me I'm a carpet muncher and saying how much I like cooter. I guess I just like 'em awkward. And he'll go and act like I'm some big catch by asking me if I have a boyfriend back home, to which I asked if HE had a boyfriend back home. I'm probably the worst friend to have if you're confused about your sexuality because I just like to point at Kevin and tell him how much he likes to munsch on dick. But that's my sick and twisted form of flirting with bisexual boys. And *I* was pretty sure he was into me, too, until he starts going, "DANA KAYNARD IS SO HOT." I don't know who Dana Kaynard is, but she may already be my mortal enemy.
Tanner Pike should exit his cave and talk to me, because I promise I won't bite.
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